Anxiety has embarrassed me many times over the course of my life. However, the fact that I can’t hold down a ‘regular’ job is the fact that has made me feel the most ashamed. I feel that somehow, I’m less valuable to society than those people who CAN work.
So, for my fellow anxiety sufferers, I have decided to write a post about How Anxiety Killed My Working Experience; more specifically, how it killed my last job.
How Anxiety Killed My Last Job
Firstly, I will start this story by telling you that my last job was as a file maintenance clerk at a local grocery store. I loved this job, the staff and management were amazing and supportive. However, as usual, my brain got in the way.
Officially, I had been working at this grocery store for just under a year without a problem. All was dandy; until, one day, my negative self-talk started acting up. Shortly after, I had convinced myself that I was no good and that my coworkers all hated me; which sounds ridiculous, but I was so sure of these facts at the time.
This self-talk kept gnawing away at me until I experience a nervous breakdown.
My nervous breakdown was not a shining moment for me as a human or employee. So, please don’t judge me. I was not in control of myself at the time.
During this phase, I experienced multiple panic attacks a day; well, on the days that I managed to stay at work, anyways, which was rare. Most days, I would go home sick, as I couldn’t face my disorder OR the self-talk; I was a mess. Unfortunately, the more I went home, the more ashamed I felt, which made me even more anxious; It was a vicious cycle.
Leave of Absence
Inevitably, my (kind) managers caught wind of a number of times I left work early. So, given the status of my declining mental health, we decided that it would be best if I took a leave of absence. I will be forever grateful for how understanding everyone was of my situation; I felt incredibly guilty. Ultimately, it took two leaves of absences for me to decide that it was time to throw in the towel.
Essentially, by taking my two leaves of absence, I was delaying the inevitable. So, after a discussion with my therapist, my doctor, and my family, I decided to quit my job. I felt that it was no longer fair to my coworkers and employer to maintain my job while I was struggling to perform my tasks to with my full potential.
Overall, I am not writing this post so that people will feel sorry for me. I am writing this post so that anyone who may be experiencing a similar situation, or be feeling this way, realizes that they aren’t the only ones; you are not a failure.
Moreover, I know that there are people out there who consider jobless people on benefits “lazy.” However, leaving my job for the sake of my health was the best choice I could have made at the time. I mean, look, it inspired me to begin my blogging journey.
In closing, I hope that you keep following my adventures on this blog, the future looks exciting.
If you suffer anxiety that is affecting your lifestyle, please don’t hesitate to see your physician. Also, head over to AnxietyBC for great information and resources regarding anxiety disorders.